You know that it's hurting me
by Rogogon
Summary: English version of my Kradam fic "If it's hurting you". Kris Allen, Adam Lambert - Night talk. Kris is worried that his life is changing in a bad way and Adam helps him not to go crazy. hurt/comfort, romance, friendship.


_This is my first Kradam fic. And the first that long one that I actually translated. I'm really sorry if there are any mistakes, English is not my first language ;) I'd really appreciate any corrections. Believe me, original, Polish version is way better ;)  
>The title and lyrics are from Robbie Williams' song "If it's hurting you".<br>_

**If it's hurting you**

_And if it's hurting you__  
><em>_You know that's it's hurting me__  
><em>_You know that's it's hurting me_

The tour bus was rushing through empty roads of North Carolina, jumping on the bumpy roads. It was 2 am. I was turning over on my bed, my eyes wide open. Every time I thought I would finally be able to fall asleep, the bus would take a sharp bend or drive into a big hole and my sleep was over.

Danny was snoring horribly and it also wasn't helpful as for me falling asleep. He was even louder than a motorcycle, I'm positive of it. Anoop was muttering something under his breath. At first I thought he was talking to himself or singing a lullaby, but I guess he was simply talking in his sleep.

Michael, Scott and Matt were sleeping silently, thank God. They were so tired that they fell asleep the second their heads touched the pillows. Not that I was surprised – the day was really exhausting. But apparently not that tiring, since I still couldn't fall asleep. I was really frustrated. I turned on my back; I couldn't even make myself close my eyes to summon the sleep.

Kris turned over in a bed above me. I wasn't able to determine whether he did it in his sleep or he was just trying to fall asleep just like I was. I was almost sure he was sleeping though, because that was just Kris' thing. He was able to fall asleep whenever and wherever he wanted to, no matter if it was day or night. He didn't mind bumpy or rocky roads or the bus braking hard. Kris was born to live on tour.

Kris changed his position once again. Something wasn't right here, it's the first time he was so restless in his sleep. Or maybe he was suffering from insomnia, just like me?

Danny gave a loud snore as he turned over. I think nobody would be very angry if I threw him out through the window right now. Maybe they would even be happy because of that?  
>Yes, they would definitely be. I would even got a thank-you letter.<p>

Kris moved on his bed and after few seconds I saw him walk down from the top bunk. He went silently to the front part of the bus – most likely to the kitchen. I supposed he went there to get himself some warm milk, as a way of fighting insomnia. I looked at my cell phone to check time. It was almost 3 am. I turned back trying to fall asleep for at least a couple of hours, before we reach next town on the tour.

Kris' endless absence was at least weird. He should have come back long time ago. I wasn't worried but… Okay, all right. I was. I was worried about him, but it's not a crime, isn't it?

I wasn't sure if I was doing the right thing, but I got up (the mattress groaned) and went to search for Kris.

Just like I thought, I found him in the kitchen. He was sitting by the table, supporting his head on his hands. A half-full glass of milk was standing in front of him. Had he fallen asleep before he managed to drink it up?

I couldn't really say, because the lights were off. Everything was only lightened by street lamps every now and then as we were passing them. He didn't even notice me coming in.

I approached him and I put my hand on his shoulder. He seemed to tremble. I could literally feel twinges in my stomach, I was that nervous. Something really bad was happening and I had to do something with it.

The moment I touched his naked shoulder, he raised his head and looked at me, trying to smile. But it was his eyes that gave him away. He was really anxious. Frightened even. It hurt me to see him like that.

"Did I wake you up?" he asked with a hoarse voice. He cleared his throat and added with normal voice. "Sorry man, I know you have light sleep."

"You didn't." I smiled at him. "I can't sleep. Terrible roads, really bumpy." I sat across from him and looked him in the eyes. "Are you okay?"

Kris closed his eyes and sighed. Then he open them again and looked at me. "Yeah, I'm okay." I looked at him suspiciously. He looked away. "Nothing's wrong, Adam. Go to sleep."

I'd probably believe him, if only his voice sounded normal. You could tell he wasn't "okay", judging by the tone of it.

"It's not true, Kris. Something's wrong, something's haunting you."

Brown-haired man sighed and nodded. "You're a great observer, Adam." He lowered his head and rubbed his eyes. "But…"

He broke off. I waited for him to go on, but he remained quiet. I moved closer to him and put my hand on his. "You know you can tell me, Kris." He couldn't make up his mind whether to confess. He bit his lower lip. "I'm worried about you, I wanna help you." I put my another hand on his arm. "Please, let me."

We were sitting in silence for a few minutes. I was getting really nervous, it's the first time I saw him that frightened.

Suddenly, his whisper broke the silence. "I'm scared, Adam."

"Of what?" I asked simply. I felt it was more appropriate question than "why?".

"Of… Of everything. That everything's gonna disappear, that it's gonna fall apart."

I looked at him; he was seriously worried. And I didn't know why and it was literally killing me.  
>I wanted to help him so badly, I did care about him. A lot.<p>

"I don't get it, man. What exactly are you scared of?"

"You see…" He was thinking how to say what he feels. "The American Idol, the record deal, the tour… Adam, these are my dreams coming true. One after another. " He was looking at me intensively with his dark-brown eyes. Despite the darkness, I knew exactly what color they were. "Now I'm doing what I always wanted to do, what I always dreamed about. And I've been working really hard for a few years to get this. I'm going to live this life for some time. But now… " he paused; lost in his own thoughts, he was looking at me, not really seeing me. "But now I'm afraid I won't be able to keep it together. I'm afraid one day I will wake up and I'll have nothing but that. Music. And nothing more."

None of us wanted to break the silence that fell after Kris went quiet. Kris was lost in his thoughts again and I was trying to find the reasons behind them. Something Kris was worried so much about that he didn't want to lose even for the music…

"You're talking about Katy?" I asked him in a flash of thought. I looked at him; Kris sighed and nodded, looking at me back. "Kris, you're not going to lose her. It's not an option, I know it."

"How can you be so sure, Adam? I am not…" Kris was in such a despair.

"Because you won't let it happen. You won't let anything wrong happen between you two." I stroked his arm gently. "What even gave you that idea? Did anything-"

"No, no. Nothing happened." He shook his head. "It's just… I don't know, Adam. I was talking to Danny this morning." I sighed. I knew it was this jerk who told him something bad. "He told me he feels sorry for Katy, because the music is going to be in the first place for me now. I told him we'll be fine and our relationship's not gonna be hurt from that, but he said I need to make a choice and I seem to have made it already."

Kris went quiet and I really had no idea what I was supposed to tell him. I felt like going back to the bedroom and kick Danny's ass. I hate violence, but it was just the right thing to do. He was manipulating us from the very beginning of the Idol, putting the venom into our veins, like a real viper. How could he be such a jerk? I felt so damn sorry for Kris, he heard so many Danny's stupid theories and was dealing with sad thoughts. And suffered. He suffered so much.

I came to him and hugged him. Somewhere there in my mind some well-known thoughts came back, but now it was about him, not me. That's what only mattered.

I put those repetitive fantasies aside and hugged him tightly. He snuggled into me just like he always did – his arms around my waist, his face buried in my chest. I could easily feel his forehead, nose and lips gently touching my skin. He seemed to finally feel safe. I lowered my head and said right into his ear. "Don't let Danny or any other idiot decide for you about your life. He's a jerk. And a manipulator, you know it."

Kris' voice was muffled, as he was talking right into my skin. "But what if he's right? What if I will have to choose? I can't lose her, Adam."

"You won't." I gently stroked back of his neck. "You won't lose her, Kris. You are made for each other. Katy loves you to death, just like you love her and I can see it every time she looks at you. She won't let anything come between you two, she's gonna fight for you. Believe me, you are meant to be."

Kris was quiet for a moment, thinking about what I just said. I felt like it was finally getting to him that Danny was just trying to upset him, because he's clearly still jealous of Kris' victory.

Kris was always extremely supportive during the whole competition. He made it feel almost like home and that's the reason I was able to get through all bad moments. And that's why I needed to help him, he couldn't go crazy. Not only now - never.

I felt his warm, soft lips gently brushing my skin. Fantasies, step aside, I told myself in my mind. A second later I heard his still muffled voice.

"Thanks, Adam." He hugged me even more tightly, smiling when talking. "I seriously think I'd go crazy without you, man."

"That's why I'm here." I kissed him on the top of his head.

We moved away a little from each other, although I was still keeping him in my arms. He smiled to me like he was apologizing for being naïve.

"I feel like calling Katy. I guess I need it."

I looked at the clock. "You're sure? It's almost 3a.m. in Arkansas."

Kris turned back in my arms to check it himself. "Yeah, you're right." He turned to me with a huge smile on his face. "Then I'm gonna call her in the morning."

"That's probably a better idea."

At the moment the bus jumped on some hole in the road. We staggered, trying to keep our balance, glasses clattered in the cupboards and something jangled right next to the microwave. We looked that way and saw a small headphone splitter, a gift for Kris from my fans. We were supposed to listen together to music after the show and cuddle. That's how they imagined our evenings. Although it made us laugh so hard that they were clearly misinterpreting our friendship, we actually used it every once in a while, when listening to our songs that we recorded for our debut albums.

Kris grabbed it and asked: "Wanna listen to music?"

I smiled at him. He probably needed it more than going to sleep. "Sure."

We moved to a small living room in the front of the bus and sat on the small couch by the window. My iPod was laying on the small table right next to the couch. Kris grabbed it and switched it on, connecting two pairs of headphones to it. As we lounged comfortably on the couch, my favorite Queen song "I was born to love you" floated right into our ears.

Kris snuggled into me, sleepily and trustfully. We sank into the music in our ears, not saying a single word. I lost myself in my own thoughts as songs were passing by. At some point, one of the headphones fell out from Kris' ear but he didn't put it back. I turned down the volume. Kris' breath was slow, peaceful and deep. He fell asleep, finally safe and secure.

I turned off the iPod and rest my head on Kris', hoping for falling asleep as quickly as my friend just did.

Kris hugged me with one arm in his sleep, mumbling something under his breath. It was getting brighter outside the windows, when I finally felt drowsy. But before I fell asleep, there was one thought that kept floating around my head. Katy is such a lucky girl. So fucking lucky.


End file.
